She asked me if there was ever a time in my life when I didn't have friends. I responded honestly, that I always had friends, but I do recall a number of times in my life without any truly good friends - the ones I had were more to just have someone to hang out with, rather than be bored.
She told me she felt like that right now. And if I know her, she will be the same as me - easily able to make friends, she'll never be alone, but that doesn't guarantee strong friendships at all times.
She said a few of her current "friends" say negative things, and even if they are joking, it doesn't feel good. This is what I told her:
That sometimes you have to be your own friend first. Sometimes it's really hard to walk away from someone because of that fear and discomfort of being alone. Yet when we respect ourselves enough to walk away from the negative, that itself is canceling out a negative situation with a positive action. And with that comes more positivity, even though we might have to wait for it a little while. You may have to play alone at recess a few times, or sometimes even longer. But the courage to do that in order to keep the respect for yourself is well worth it - with the benefits including stopping a pattern of accepting bad treatment in your life before it gets started.
And secondly, that she really had three options. She could continue hanging out with that person and bickering back and forth and feeling yucky about it; she could choose to stop hanging out with that person; OR she could choose to stop hanging out with that person AND tell them why.
She said she didn't want to explain herself, and I said that's completely fine! It really is. It is taking a step up from being down. However, when you choose the third option, it's like taking two steps up instead of just one. When you explain to someone why you're walking away, you are giving them an opportunity to change. You are opening a door. You are now doing the right thing for TWO people. And you literally double your blessings/ good karma/ goodwill that will come back to you down the road. You are still doing the right thing to simply walk away, and yet you can do even more by walking away and giving the other person an idea of why.
We also discussed that a lot of kids don't change - and my precious, insightful 9 year old said sometimes it's because they just don't know any better, or any other way to be.
But each time we stand up for ourselves, we take away the power any negative people or words have over us. And when we give someone that open door to see what their actions are doing, we give them the power to make a change.
